


Keeps You Steady

by jackdawq



Category: Persona 4
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-29
Updated: 2013-07-29
Packaged: 2017-12-21 19:31:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/904021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackdawq/pseuds/jackdawq
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Accepting your Shadow isn't a silver bullet. Kanji's solid, Naoto's strong-willed, but Rise's everything and nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keeps You Steady

**i.**

Ever since June, Rise's had these dreams.

She's onstage in Tokyo, Osaka, Sapporo, a dozen smaller towns and cities across Japan. Her outfit is as garish and uncomfortable as always: sequined, skimpy, stretched too tight over her chest and hips. The lights in the arena rigging are blinding, but she doesn't need to see the audience to hear and feel their wild cheers. She steps forward to begin the next song, her mind replaying the choreography, and waits for the bass to reverberate through her bones.

Then the neon lights swivel away from the stage. Down in front the audience is sneering, jeering, shrieking – and she doesn't just have one Shadow, she has _dozens_.

The lights overhead flash pink and purple, deep shades of both creeping up the stained silk and velvet walls of the venue. Risette's back in the strip club, ready to bear it all. The concert getup is now a tight string bikini and one of the figures in the audience is climbing onto the stage: the sad-eyed girl in the tofu shop apron who Rise used to be. "You're not me," she whispers, hands clasped to her chest.

The club is tilting at angles, black water welling and bubbling up from the floor. The Shadows swarm the stage and the girl's mouth is moving, she's saying something else – but Rise screws her eyes shut and falls into the dark.

 

**ii.**

"You okay?" Kanji asks, a concerned frown knitting his brows.

"No worries, I'm great." The answer's instinctive. Rise's attention is on Himiko, and the constant stream of information the Persona keeps relaying even as the team backtracks from Mitsuo's dungeon to the studio lot: _Yukiko's low on energy, Yosuke hasn't quite recovered from his K.O., Chie's ribs could use more healing._ On top of that, Himiko's scanning everyone's Personas too, and _then_ Souji's own set. She's pretty sure nobody would blame her for being a little distracted.

"Bullshit," Kanji mutters, maybe hoping the others walking ahead won't hear. "You look burned out."

She should have a comeback ready. Kanji's always there, steady and solid, and so she teases him. It's fun. It's also what people expect.

Of course, his version of a whisper still comes out a rumble. Chie glances over her shoulder, frowning. "Y'know, Rise-chan, he's right. Everything okay?"

Expectations are everything. Rise – _Risette_ – has a knack for knowing what people want her to be, the face that will please them most. "I'm fine. You guys did great today!" she says, with her brightest sunshine smile.

(The thing is, she means it – but partly just because she thinks she should.)

 

**iii.**

Rise and Kanji fall into the habit of hanging out over the summer, mostly because they live practically across the street from each other. Usually it's Rise going to the textiles shop to bug him, rather than him seeking her out of his own accord, but it amounts to the same thing. More or less.

"Ain't you got anything better to do?" he asks when she walks in for the third day in a row.

Rise grins and pretends not to notice the half-finished knitted toy he just shoved underneath the shop counter.

Usually they just go to get Topsicles, which Kanji buys in batches of five and never leaves a single one for her. Or sometimes they go to Aiya, where she orders something huge – she's not an idol anymore, she can eat what she likes! – and ends up giving him half of it. Kanji doesn't talk much, but in a way that's kind of nice. Besides, they both feel a bit left out from their senpai and he's lousy at making friends. Rise had the same problem once, before Risette. Now attracting people is trivial – put on the right face, say the right words, smile the right smile – but the process leaves her feeling a little empty. It leaves her feeling like a liar, and that's almost worse than being alone – so she tries to spend time with Kanji when she can, tells herself she's doing him a favour, but doesn't forget that he's repaying her in kind.

**iv.**

Rise doesn't always know what to think about Souji. Sometimes she tries not to think about him at all, instead focusing on winning him over and earning his attention. It's not like she doesn't do this with everyone, immediate and instinctive, but with Senpai it feels more vital. After the team rescued her, she spent over a week alternating between passing out on her grandma's sofa and throwing up, but as soon as she finally recovered enough to think clearly, she began debating just who the team would want to see when they met her again. Souji in particular. It's the obvious next scene in the story: the girl swept off her feet by her senpai, like in those romantic dramas Rise did back when she was a somebody. Unfortunately, Souji's a study in contradictions. She has the feeling he's the same as her: shifting and amorphous, given shape only by others.

Souji's also the one who asks her to go with Kanji to visit Naoto, who's three days out of the TV and doesn't seem happy to see either of them. She doesn't say much and neither does Kanji. It's no trouble – given a few one-word answers, Rise can carry a conversation for three – and when he looks so terrified and Naoto looks utterly lost, she can't help but feel a pang of sympathy for them both.

"Thanks," Kanji later says when they're walking back to the shopping district. "Didn't know what t'say."

Rise gets along with everyone on the team, of course, but she might like Kanji the best. He's gruff and awkward and has way too many hang-ups, but he doesn't seem to care who or what she is. She still isn't sure how he'd literally never heard the name 'Risette' before she arrived back in Inaba, but hey, it's Kanji – and it's equal parts nice and unnerving to have someone she doesn't need to perform for.

 

**v.**

The problem is, accepting your Shadow isn't a silver bullet.

_There's no real me_. It was easy to say at the time and it might even be true, but it's not a helpful answer. Yosuke, Chie, Yukiko, Kanji – they all have doubts and insecurities, different faces they present to the world, but beneath it all each has a solid core.

Souji doesn't. Rise isn't sure she does either.

 

**vi.**

Naoto's study coaching sessions kind of suck, because while Naoto's probably the smartest person Rise's ever met, she also expects everyone else to be equally smart. Composition goes badly, and Maths is a disaster given they cover both algebra and trigonometry in about five minutes. It must be worse on Kanji, who scored even lower than Rise on the last set of exams and desperately wants to impress Naoto, or at least not have her think he's stupid. Rise tells him not to worry and doesn't point out that Naoto probably thinks _lots_ of people are stupid.

Still, it's nice of her to offer to help. Rise just wishes that Souji had picked up on those hints about tutoring – but she wishes a lot of things.

"We'll move on to History," Naoto says, opening the thick textbook with a thump. "Edo period first. Please take out your notes."

Naoto's insecurities run bone-deep. Her Shadow made that clear, and so does the way she overcompensates: always needing to be the most composed, useful, accomplished. But despite all that, she has something close to a solid center: a strong will. Naoto's single-minded enough to deliberately get herself kidnapped, to keep her distance from everyone, to continue being a detective when the odds and police opinion are both stacked against her.

"I didn't take notes on Edo," Kanji mumbles.

"What do you actually do in class?" Naoto asks, blunt as an anvil.

Rise doesn't like to admit it, or even think about it – but sometimes she _envies_ Naoto.

 

**vii.**

Kanji wants to hang out with Naoto. Or rather, he does and doesn't, and Rise really thinks he _should_ , so she tries to make sure that the Investigation Team's kouhai are as closely-tied as their senpai, no matter how many excuses Naoto makes about needing to review case notes or go to the police station.

"I thought the police threw you off the case?" Rise asks, innocently.

Naoto's cheeks darken, and she mumbles something about needing to go home and mull things over instead. She's handsome – fine lines and angled features – but that blush adds a charm that Rise decides not to think about. Eyes on the prize: she needs to get Naoto to hang out with them. Most people want some sort of connection, whether they admit to it or not, and she suspects that, deep down, Naoto isn't all that different from everyone else. "Wanna go to Souzai Daigaku first?" she says, with a small, hopeful smile.

Naoto hesitates – which is basically blood in the water.

Guarded as Naoto is, Rise's picked up on a few things. She goes in for the kill. "Betcha we can bug Kanji-kun into coming too."

Naoto frowns, hesitates again, then lets out a quiet sigh. "...Very well."

It takes a little badgering to get Kanji to leave the textiles shop, especially after he spots Naoto, but it's nothing Rise can't handle, same as the potentially awkward silences when they're sitting together outside Souzai Daigaku and waiting for their overcooked croquettes. With the little bit of input she gets from the other two, she treads a fine balance: enough conversation to prevent everyone feeling uncomfortable, but not enough to be annoying.

Rise's good at talking because that's how you win people over. She's good at listening because she used to be too afraid to speak. Maybe that's why she has Himiko, who does nothing _but_ listen. Even without her Persona, though, figuring people out is easy: they're like clockwork, doing the same things over and over regardless of whether they'll work. Like Kanji with Naoto. Nothing much changed about Naoto after the supposed big reveal, or about Kanji's feelings, or his complete inability to express them. He's just waiting around for her to notice, while believing she never will. Rise knows how it feels.

 

**viii.**

November hits, and everything goes wrong. They rescue Nanako, but she doesn't get better when they bring her out of the TV. The month devolves into encroaching fog, increasingly empty classes at school, and nightly visits to the hospital. Rise knows it's a selfish thought, but the fog is the worst. It's part of the TV world brought into the real, and Himiko instinctively tries to see through it – only instead of Shadows, she picks up the undercurrents of fear and anxiety pervading the town, the dark tides that came in with the fog.

Not wanting to worry the others, Rise tries to keep this quiet. Naoto seems to pick up on it anyway. Maybe she's the only one who's stopped to think about how their powers might work, or who can put two and two together and logically come up with five. She never actually _says_ anything about it – but she regularly walks back from school with Rise despite living on the other side of town, each time coming up with some awkward excuse that Rise's too grateful to rebut.

"We could go to Aiya," Naoto suggests one chilly November evening, halfway back to the shopping district. "Or perhaps study. I'm certain you need to."

It's Naoto, so Rise ignores the inadvertent insult – and she gets what Naoto's trying to do anyway. "Aiya sounds good."

They spend a long time there, staying at the counter even after they finish their food. The shop's half-empty due to the fog, so Otsu probably doesn't mind. For once it's Naoto carrying the conversation, and while it's almost all about the case and her different theories, her voice is familiar and comforting.

Eventually, and probably at Naoto's prompting, Kanji joins them on their walks home. The two of them do their best to fill the silence, the gaps where Himiko would hear too much, and Rise walks between them both, thankful to listen.

 

**ix.**

Rise's noticed the way Kanji and Naoto look at each other, when each thinks the other isn't paying attention. Kanji was blatantly, horribly obvious from day one, to the point where even Naoto must have realized, _hey, maybe this guy's into me_. Or however Naoto would put it. In any case, she's becoming markedly less cagey. They're still awkward around each other, but in a tentative, promising sort of way. Naoto even offers to accidentally misplace his file at the police station, which is probably as (perilously) close as she's ever come to a criminal act.

It's nice, Rise decides. A bit of brightness in the fog. Her two best friends are maybe possibly getting together, with a little push in the right direction – and if the idea leaves her feeling a little left behind, well, she can ignore it.   

 

**x.**

Rumours spread like wildfire in Inaba and Yasogami High is no exception. Rise's heard plenty, including at least a dozen about herself and her supposed love life. The latest product of the Yasogami gossip mill is that Souji is dating Ai Ebihara. Half the rumours say it's serious, while the rest say it's just a fling, that Ebihara's found herself another toy. Rise doesn’t know what to believe and instead tells herself she doesn't care. It doesn't work. She ends up crying in the bathroom during lunch break: wracking, heaving sobs that she can barely keep quiet. She's heard the stories about Ebihara, that she used to be someone different and reinvented herself. Nobody knows how to do that better than Rise – so why didn't Senpai pick _her_? She _loves_ him, she—

Rise stops.

She wants Souji to notice her, to accept her. To acknowledge that they're the same. Is that the same thing as loving someone? Can you love someone who's all things to all people? They're both uncomfortable questions. She cuts class and sets out for home, her head spinning. Outside the school, she spots Kanji leaning against one of the gate posts. If not for her TV glasses, she might've missed him in the fog.

"Yo, Rise," he says, then frowns. "What's up? You been crying? Who upset you?"

"N-Nobody," Rise manages, gaze turned to the ground. "I – upset myself."

It's kind of true, and Kanji seems mollified. "Yeah," he says quietly. "I know that feel."

"I – nobody can love someone who's always changing to please people, right?" she blurts. "And I change all the time."

Kanji doesn't say anything. She looks up at him, opens her mouth to speak – then closes it again as he moves toward her.

 

**xi.**

Her first kiss – her first _real_ one, not like in the dramas – was supposed to be with Souji. Months of practically throwing herself at him, of giggling and flirting and never quite grasping exactly what it is he wants, haven't amounted to anything beyond a kind smile.

And maybe that's okay.

Kanji frowns down at her, like he's trying to make some big decision. Rise reaches up and grips the collar of his jacket, just as he raises his hand to tip up her chin.

He's gentle but tentative, and she has the feeling he doesn't kiss very well, but she doesn't have much for comparison anyway. She closes her eyes and relaxes into the kiss by degrees, into the cloying fog hiding them from view.

 

**xii.**

The nightmares haven't stopped. At night, Rise often wakes with a start and the feeling that she's just fallen from a great height. She glances wildly around the room, drenched in sweat, breathing rapid and shallow, and searches for yellow eyes in the dark. Sometimes she gets up, staggers to the mirror, checks her own.

There's never anything there, but the sense of emptiness – of being everything and nothing – persists.

 

**xiii.**

She and Kanji don't become an item, or whatever you want to call it. He still has a burning crush on Naoto, who seems to quietly and uneasily like him back. Rise can't bring herself to break that, and she doesn't want to be anyone's second best. When Kanji tries twice to bring up the kiss, she changes the subject.

They spend most of their evenings with the rest of the team, chasing Adachi through his twisted Inaba then spilling bruised and battered out of Junes at closing time. They're all exhausted, Rise included. She attempts to keep their kouhai gang going, partly for comfort, partly to push Kanji and Naoto together – but Naoto now withdraws each time Rise suggests they all hang out. She even stops walking home with them. Rise's concerned, but tries to put it down to the anxiety gnawing at them all, the burgeoning fear that Adachi might actually win.

One day after school, while she's waiting for Kanji to finish watching the sewing club, Naoto meets her in her empty classroom. "Do you still want to walk home together?" she asks.

"Yeah, of course," says Rise. "I figured you'd stopped wanting to do that?"

"I – I thought perhaps—" Naoto stops, tenses her jaw, starts again. "You and Kanji-kun. I saw. Through the window."

...Naoto had her glasses too. Rise's stomach sinks: a twisting, sickening sensation that leaves her flailing. "I – it's not what you think, Naoto-kun—" – except it _is_ , why did she even say that? – "—we were just—"

"Yes. I know what you were doing," Naoto says quietly, without a trace of bitterness.

"I – I think you and him – you're right for each other, you know?" Rise babbles. Kissing Kanji was a mistake, she tells herself: just her wanting to please people all over again. "You should be together, I'm sorry I ever—"

Naoto grabs Rise's hand, gripping it almost tight enough to hurt, knuckles white.

"I-I'm sorry," Rise says again, sick and guilty and hopeless.

Silence. Naoto takes a step closer, closing the gap between them – pauses to glance at the classroom door – then reaches her free hand up and clasps the back of Rise's head.

She's less hesitant than Kanji, surprisingly, like she's already made up her mind and is determined to follow through. There's a slight shake in her hands and the kiss is tense, given Rise's expecting someone to walk through the doorway any moment – but it's fine, it's okay, and Rise's kissing back, a little bit desperate and a lot stupid, different to how she was with Kanji yet somehow the same.

Kissing him was unexpected. Kissing Naoto was unimaginable, but Rise realizes then what a tiny part of her suspected all along.

**xiv.**

But the trouble is, she can't be sure.

She instinctively tries to please people, to give them what they want, to be who they expect. Who's to say she wasn't doing that for Kanji and Naoto? It felt right both times, but Rise knows too well that her emotions are as capricious as her sense of self. Maybe she's just searching for something she's missing. Kanji and Naoto are solid, in their own ways. Definable. And you always want what you don't have, right?

Naoto seems always on the verge of mentioning her kiss but never quite gets there. Kanji's apparently given up on trying to discuss his. They're both behaving differently now, like there's some shared secret they're carrying. The team takes down Adachi two days before Christmas, and after the celebrations, the rush of relief, all Rise can do is wonder whether Kanji and Naoto will spend Christmas Eve together. It's a stupid idea to be hung up on, especially when she _wanted_ them to get together, but she does and thinks a lot of stupid things.

 

**xv.**

The air outside is cold, fresh snow coating the pavement and the empty branches of the trees. Rise stomps her feet to keep them warm and rubs her gloved hands together. The team is supposed to be meeting up to celebrate New Year's, but either the others are all late or she just showed up early. It isn't like she has anything better to do other than work at the shop, and she's sick of being elbow-deep in tofu.

Nanako's Christmas party was kind of awkward. Rise didn't know what to say to Kanji and Naoto, who were standing beside each other by the glass doors and talking too quietly for her to hear. She hasn't seen them since then and, despite everything, finds herself desperately hoping they show up tonight.

She isn't disappointed. Naoto and Kanji are the first to arrive, walking side by side from the north end of the district. Hand in hand, too.

Rise's throat tightens.

"Hey. We gotta talk with you," Kanji tells her, shooting a sideways look at Naoto.

"I know, okay? You guys, you're – and it's alright, I'm alright." Rise swallows around the lump in her throat. It seems to plummet to her stomach instead, cold and hard. "I'm not gonna do anything to stop you."

Naoto glances at Kanji. "I...don't know what we are. We – we _are_ , I suppose. But it doesn't have to be just that."

Rise blinks at her, eyes already stinging with tears. "What do you mean?"

"We figure it could work," Kanji says, with a half-smile. "Two boyfriends beats one, right?"

"If you want," Naoto adds.

Rise opens her mouth to protest – stuff like that doesn't _work_ , there's no way they could get it right, what would people think – but it all rings a little hollow. On her left, Kanji grips her hand, and on her right Naoto takes the other. Their hands are so different in size, Rise wants to laugh. And it's unusual, but that's fine. They're going to be fine.

 

**xvi.**

Six months on, Rise still dreams of everything and everyone she used to be. The audience is the same yellow-eyed mass: dozens of doppelgangers wearing her face. The strip club lights strobe; the music pounds; the black waters swell. The sad-eyed girl climbs onto the stage, the Shadows close behind – and Rise's tipping back again, into the dark.

Then it all goes away, everything seeming to rush back inside her all at once. The music stops, the waters recede, and her vision goes white. Kanji's hands are rough and scarred against her bare skin, Naoto's cool and smooth save for the calluses from her gun. Their wrists are pressed against Rise's back, their steady, synchronized pulses throbbing through her body. She doesn't look behind her, because it doesn't matter. In the end, none of it does – so Rise lets out all her breath, and allows herself to be anchored by their weight.


End file.
